i’m pretty sure i am arrogant. i try to act humble, but only so people will know how great i am at being humble. moses makes me laugh. because it says in the bible that he was a humble man, the most humble man that ever lived. but my bible teachers told me that he wrote the book that it’s written in. so i’m in good company. i’m practically moses.

i think we have it all backwards. for some reason, everyone looks at arrogant people as if they are strong. we are intimidated by them. one time when i worked at a place that sold music, a man tried to return an opened CD. i told him that was illegal and we couldn’t do it. he proceeded to yell at me, making a big scene and telling me i was a liar. it’s pretty funny to think about now, but at the time i was pretty sure he might kill me. i should have just returned the CD, but his reaction made it all the more fun to deny him his request. i’m a jerk like that. i only reciprocate kindness. i don’t show it to just anyone. but he was wrong, and he scared me in the process of assuring me he was right. when he left, i felt relieved. i felt as if he was a tough guy, and that i should have probably just not messed with him. i had this idea that he was strong. maybe that came from his declaration that he was about to body slam me into the country gospel section, but most of it came from his arrogance. people who are arrogant come across as tough. not always, but most arrogant people scare me, because i am pretty sure they are tougher than i am. but so is my 4 year old daughter, so that’s not saying much. and when i am arrogant, i start to feel pretty tough about myself. like i’m somebody important with power and minions to do my bidding.

and we see humble people as weak. people who keep a hold on their tongue and don’t say much about themselves. if they aren’t talking, they must not be that good. i wish i could use that above story and claim myself as the humble one. but while i was scared of him, i was enjoying holding the power. the ability to deny his request. and so i pasted a smile on my face to mask my fear, making myself just as arrogant as he was. i completely fit that husband/wife stereotype of the husband always thinking they are right about manly things. things like directions. sports. beer. insert manly stereotype here. when my wife asks me about the big game, i can tell her all about it in great detail. mostly, she just wishes she hadn’t asked. when she wants directions, i can tell her the quickest route. my brain practically has a map of regina pasted on it. once in a while, though, i try to transfer my arrogance to things that don’t fit the manly stereotypes. things like parenting. and so i will tell my wife the best way to put our child to sleep. or how to discipline. and most of these times, she tells me i’m wrong. the other times, she just lets me have my victory, even when i am clearly wrong. being humbled is not fun. i’m someone who has to have the last word. and you see those people who don’t feel that need to say the last word, who are content with who they are and to let me walk all over them, and they come across as weak because they don’t fight back. when i try to tell my wife how to do something that she already knows about and is amazing at, and i am terrible at and have no knowledge of, she gently speaks the truth to me and i leave with my tail between my legs. it’s better to be humble than to be humbled. to be humbled makes you weak. but to be humble makes you strong.

the arrogant are weak, and the humble are strong. maybe that’s obvious to you, but i’ve had the opposite illusion for a long time now. it takes more strength to be humble. to not brag about your accomplishments. to not want all eyes on you. to not speak out in anger and self-righteousness. to hold your tongue. that takes strength. to be arrogant is what weak people such as myself do. we can’t control our tongues. we want everyone to see us and how good we are. i guess that’s why i write on here, so i can be assured that something i do matters to someone other than myself. so you will all look at me. the arrogant life stems from insecurity and weakness. i’m thinking about all this because i noticed the other day a sweet comment on one of my posts. (for the record, it is not me who posted it, even though it says Blair) and at first i felt angry, embarrassed, and all those things that i thought would make me feel tough, strong and righteous. arrogant. but then i thought about it, and i laughed. i will leave it there as a reminder to be humble. because when it’s all said and done…i am a pathetic fat-ass. pardon the language. i’m just being humble.