on crying and stuff easier to keep inside

it’s always been easier for me to cry in front of people than to cry in front of the one/ones. what i mean by ‘the one/ones’ is those people that mean the most to you. it can be a friend, family member, the montreal canadiens. i’ll never let Pacioretty see me cry, no matter how much it hurts when someone slanders Carey Price.

but if i’m in a crowd, it’s easy to let my guard down. there’s something about being vulnerable on your own terms that makes it manageable; when speaking in church or addressing my youth crew. but when someone else tries to set it on their terms…screw that. that’s when things get tough.

when i was a kid, crying only happened on other people’s terms. when i was in trouble. when people made fun of me. which happened more than i care to admit. i remember hating it with a passion. i remember feeling weak and vulnerable. like when Troy kicked me in the chest. im so tired of crying on others terms, that i fight the instinct telling me to let it out. no matter the situation, it seems that i try my hardest to keep it all in in front of my loved ones, even when it’s reasonable to let it out. it’s as if my reflex has become to do the opposite of what my heart tells me to do.

lately, this has changed. my protective instincts are gone and i am wide open and vulnerable as if i’m a child again. i feel like crying all the time. luckily, the Canadiens are still in the playoffs, or I’d be a mess. like i said, Carey Price completes me (my wife and i have an understanding). everything is as good as it should be, but nothing feels good as it could be. so the tears come even as i fight to hold them back.

wrestling with depression has kicked me into the gutter. it’s subtle and sneaks up on me. the over reactions to minutiae; so small, it doesn’t warrant a notice, let alone a full fledged man cry. a new job and an early 30’s faith crisis have taken me to the brink of what i can handle.

i’m tired of holding it in. but i know me, and i will continue doing so until i break. learning to be comfortable in my own skin is something new to me. much of my life has been spent trying to be someone i’m not. faking my toughness so my man-card can get punched (yes, ladies. that is a thing). putting on a smiley face and pretending my faith is in check so i can be a good pastor and not freak out the children (even though i know that’s the opposite of what Jesus wants from me). pretending i know what i’m doing, even as I run like wile coyote off the edge of the cliff, unaware of my imminent demise and fall.

i keep telling myself, “trust in Jesus. have more faith. just pray.” and those are all true things that i should strive for. but no matter how hard i seem to try or how much truth is in those statements…it doesn’t take away the intense pressure chasing me down that says i’ll never measure up to God, who is so very, very disappointed in me. and so i feel like crying, knowing deep down this isn’t how i was meant to live, knowing that it isn’t even the truth. but feeling more entrenched than ever.

that got dark fast. get back to the love affair with Carey Price jokes, already.

i know i’ll be okay. my God and my family have too tight a grip on me to let the depression win. i started writing again to be honest. to share not only my stupid stories and terrible jokes with the world, but my heart and soul as well.

so there it is. not crying is overrated. time to start listening to my instincts and kick depression in the ass. write more. love more. open myself up more. pray more. play more. play with my kids more. play tennis more. date my wife more.

and give less attention to the lies…more. just felt like i had to add ‘more’ one last time.

humility can shove it
March 29, 2010, 4:55 pm
Filed under: Stuff | Tags: , , ,

i’m pretty sure i am arrogant. i try to act humble, but only so people will know how great i am at being humble.┬ámoses makes me laugh. because it says in the bible that he was a humble man, the most humble man that ever lived. but my bible teachers told me that he wrote the book that it’s written in. so i’m in good company. i’m practically moses.

i think we have it all backwards. for some reason, everyone looks at arrogant people as if they are strong. we are intimidated by them. one time when i worked at a place that sold music, a man tried to return an opened CD. i told him that was illegal and we couldn’t do it. he proceeded to yell at me, making a big scene and telling me i was a liar. it’s pretty funny to think about now, but at the time i was pretty sure he might kill me. i should have just returned the CD, but his reaction made it all the more fun to deny him his request. i’m a jerk like that. i only reciprocate kindness. i don’t show it to just anyone. but he was wrong, and he scared me in the process of assuring me he was right. when he left, i felt relieved. i felt as if he was a tough guy, and that i should have probably just not messed with him. i had this idea that he was strong. maybe that came from his declaration that he was about to body slam me into the country gospel section, but most of it came from his arrogance. people who are arrogant come across as tough. not always, but most arrogant people scare me, because i am pretty sure they are tougher than i am. but so is my 4 year old daughter, so that’s not saying much. and when i am arrogant, i start to feel pretty tough about myself. like i’m somebody important with power and minions to do my bidding.

and we see humble people as weak. people who keep a hold on their tongue and don’t say much about themselves. if they aren’t talking, they must not be that good. i wish i could use that above story and claim myself as the humble one. but while i was scared of him, i was enjoying holding the power. the ability to deny his request. and so i pasted a smile on my face to mask my fear, making myself just as arrogant as he was. i completely fit that husband/wife stereotype of the husband always thinking they are right about manly things. things like directions. sports. beer. insert manly stereotype here. when my wife asks me about the big game, i can tell her all about it in great detail. mostly, she just wishes she hadn’t asked. when she wants directions, i can tell her the quickest route. my brain practically has a map of regina pasted on it. once in a while, though, i try to transfer my arrogance to things that don’t fit the manly stereotypes. things like parenting. and so i will tell my wife the best way to put our child to sleep. or how to discipline. and most of these times, she tells me i’m wrong. the other times, she just lets me have my victory, even when i am clearly wrong. being humbled is not fun. i’m someone who has to have the last word. and you see those people who don’t feel that need to say the last word, who are content with who they are and to let me walk all over them, and they come across as weak because they don’t fight back. when i try to tell my wife how to do something that she already knows about and is amazing at, and i am terrible at and have no knowledge of, she gently speaks the truth to me and i leave with my tail between my legs. it’s better to be humble than to be humbled. to be humbled makes you weak. but to be humble makes you strong.

the arrogant are weak, and the humble are strong. maybe that’s obvious to you, but i’ve had the opposite illusion for a long time now. it takes more strength to be humble. to not brag about your accomplishments. to not want all eyes on you. to not speak out in anger and self-righteousness. to hold your tongue. that takes strength. to be arrogant is what weak people such as myself do. we can’t control our tongues. we want everyone to see us and how good we are. i guess that’s why i write on here, so i can be assured that something i do matters to someone other than myself. so you will all look at me. the arrogant life stems from insecurity and weakness. i’m thinking about all this because i noticed the other day a sweet comment on one of my posts. (for the record, it is not me who posted it, even though it says Blair) and at first i felt angry, embarrassed, and all those things that i thought would make me feel tough, strong and righteous. arrogant. but then i thought about it, and i laughed. i will leave it there as a reminder to be humble. because when it’s all said and done…i am a pathetic fat-ass. pardon the language. i’m just being humble.