who knows what this even means

who knows what this even means

October 23, 2015, 3:12 am
Filed under: Stuff

I don’t even know what this is. I wrote it months ago. I don’t feel so hopeless today, but felt the urge to write. I edited the rambling so it’s slightly more coherent. But just slightly. Maybe I’ll try this again. I miss writing stuff down.

I’m frozen. Stuck in one place. Hamster in a wheel stuck, and no amount of running moves me forward. Perpetual motion; accomplishing nothing, generating only exhaustion and dashed hopes. Setting sights on unseen and vague notions of justice and what my life should be and what the world should look like…all the while missing what is right in front of me.

Maybe the problem isn’t that I’m stuck. It’s that I’m so busy thinking I have somewhere to be. So busy looking forward to this imaginary, non-existent place. Not that it can’t exist. Just that it doesn’t now. Dreamers are necessary in this world, but the only ones that matter are those who get off their ass and quit dreaming by doing. 

Not in tune with the here, the now. What if I stopped running and just looked? Tuned into my immediate surroundings; live in the moment. Is that what I need more of? 

Maybe. Possibly.

Hug my kids. Kiss my wife. Walk my dog. See the beauty. Smile at the dark circumstances a little more, with a cocky grin that says no matter how much you screw with me, I got this because right here and now, I’m alive and this illusory longing for something more can piss off because being present makes me grateful and nothing can take that away, not even a much too long, poorly written, run on sentence. I’m a situational hypochondriac, seeing a new problem in each moment, creating issues where none exist. I can’t run fast enough to keep up with the myth of a perfect future or outrun my broken past. I’m too miserable to be the now person.

Lots of people live in the now, not in a way that is good or healthy. Living in the now and being grateful are important, but not if it blinds you to injustice. Living in the now is nothing more than a bullshit self-help mantra unless you spend it really seeing. Not just the things that are good, but the darkness as well.

People who walk around in a cloud of joy piss me off. Not because they are terrible. Mostly because I can’t be them, and I’m jealous. Here’s why I can’t be that person. 

I can’t see black people being shot by the people sworn to protect them and find the joy in today. I can’t watch Aboriginal people treated as second class citizens by the white majority while we stand on their playing field; a playing field which is quite literally the grass I walk on, and smile as if it will be okay. I can’t watch LGBTQ individuals gain marriage equality only to be discriminated against by those stuck in another decade; taking 1 step forward only to be pushed back 2 more because someone refuses to acknowledge their humanity by denying them a home, a job, a wedding cake and in some countries, their life…and act like it’s not my problem. I can’t watch homeless people, who will quite literally DIE on the streets in the city I live, because it’s about to be -40, and no one seems to think this is an emergency, and find peace in the little things.

Living in the now important, but not if it blinds you to injustice and gives you a false picture of reality.

It’s important to have hope for the future, but not at the expense of seeing what’s right in front of you. Only by being fully honest about your present can the future hold hope.

Derek Webb says, “if you’re the only one who runs a race, it might be a getaway.” Maybe I’m the one I’ve been running from. Maybe my aimless run feels so empty because I’m not running towards anything, but from something; away from myself. Time to change the game.

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