the most vivid dream i’ve ever had came when i was in grade 3. this is no word of a lie. i dream every night, lately nightmares about ex-girlfriends coming back to haunt me. but i always forget them by lunchtime. 

as a kid i went to Shuswap Christian Elementary in Salmon Arm. it was a beautiful little school out in the back roads. it was at the base of what we in the prairies would call a mountain, what people in BC would call a hill, and there were cornfields all around. it was a time when teachers could still spank and my buttocks were ripe for the picking. i always seemed to be that kid who looked for trouble. or mostly for attention. but this dream made my entire life there one of insecurity and shame, even though it never really happened. or did it…? no, seriously, it didn’t. i was just messing with you.

i had the hugest crush on liesel kirkpatrick growing up. it lasted from like kindergarten to grade 6. i remember in grade 3 writing “Blair loves Liesel” all over the bottom of my bunkbed. big mistake, because then they moved to dauphin and ended up helping us move…you can guess the rest of the story. needless to say, elementary school romances rarely work out. i can’t figure out why… liesel was in grade 2 when i was in grade 3. as george stromooobabbaloppoolus would say, there is the set-up. and so one night i drifted off to sleep, to be haunted by everyone’s worst nightmare.

i was walking into our small classroom. i still remember the classroom. on one side there was the reading area with the cowboy theme. on the other were a couple computers, which to be honest, i have no idea what we even did with them because i didn’t even think computers existed before 1999. i can see the row of tables, not desks, that we sat at with our partners. i still remember sitting with troy, who i remember most vividly for getting in big trouble for wearing a bart simpson t-shirt. what a trouble maker. it was funny, though, because the caption coming out of bart’s mouth said “i’m bart simpson, who the hell are you?”, and when he got in trouble, his mom put grey sparkle paint over ‘hell’ and wrote in white coloring ‘world’. if you ask me, that takes away from the hilarity of the t-shirt. i could see liesel on the other side of the room and my heart skipped a beat. i had yet to profess my undying love for her, but i knew it was meant to be. what grade 3 kid doesn’t? i went to hang up my coat, and as i did, i could hear everyone laughing at me. i turned around to see people pointing at me and laughing their heads off. unsure what to think, i continued to put my stuff away and as i bent over to take off my outdoor shoes, i realized what was happening. i was wearing short shorts. i don’t mean just gym shorts. but short shorts like you see those creepy speedwalkers wearing (sorry to any of my readers who are speedwalkers. no disrespect.) and not even gym shorts. jean cut-off shorts. who wears jean cut-offs? i guess lots of people in the 80’s, but seriously, it was bad. my thighs were exposed like the crack of a plumber. i tried to hide, but i was told to sit at my table. as i walked to troy and my table, the laughter was mixed with disgust. i realized i had pooped my short shorts. i even have to admit, it would have been pretty funny to see a kid do that, so i don’t blame the kids in my dream for laughing. pooping your short shorts. i couldn’t look up because i knew liesel would be staring. i knew my shot at true love was over. my entire life was ruined.

i awoke in a cold sweat. actually, i don’t really remember if i did or not. but i must have, because that was awful. i distinctly remember going to school for the rest of the school year and double checking my pants as i walked out the door to make sure i hadn’t accidentally put on short shorts.

i’m not really sure what the point of this story was. maybe it was ‘tmi’ as the teenage girls always say. i was a disturbed child, so i guess you can chalk it up to cleaning out my closet, just like eminem, who i hear also likes short shorts. i guess i shared it with you all for inspiration. i mean, isn’t that really all of our biggest fear? showing up for school in pooed short shorts? i am happy to be a symbol of strength for you all. know that i got through it, and you will to…someday.