short shorts, pooping my pants and falling in love
March 31, 2009, 2:09 pm
Filed under: Stuff | Tags: , ,

the most vivid dream i’ve ever had came when i was in grade 3. this is no word of a lie. i dream every night, lately nightmares about ex-girlfriends coming back to haunt me. but i always forget them by lunchtime. 

as a kid i went to Shuswap Christian Elementary in Salmon Arm. it was a beautiful little school out in the back roads. it was at the base of what we in the prairies would call a mountain, what people in BC would call a hill, and there were cornfields all around. it was a time when teachers could still spank and my buttocks were ripe for the picking. i always seemed to be that kid who looked for trouble. or mostly for attention. but this dream made my entire life there one of insecurity and shame, even though it never really happened. or did it…? no, seriously, it didn’t. i was just messing with you.

i had the hugest crush on liesel kirkpatrick growing up. it lasted from like kindergarten to grade 6. i remember in grade 3 writing “Blair loves Liesel” all over the bottom of my bunkbed. big mistake, because then they moved to dauphin and ended up helping us move…you can guess the rest of the story. needless to say, elementary school romances rarely work out. i can’t figure out why… liesel was in grade 2 when i was in grade 3. as george stromooobabbaloppoolus would say, there is the set-up. and so one night i drifted off to sleep, to be haunted by everyone’s worst nightmare.

i was walking into our small classroom. i still remember the classroom. on one side there was the reading area with the cowboy theme. on the other were a couple computers, which to be honest, i have no idea what we even did with them because i didn’t even think computers existed before 1999. i can see the row of tables, not desks, that we sat at with our partners. i still remember sitting with troy, who i remember most vividly for getting in big trouble for wearing a bart simpson t-shirt. what a trouble maker. it was funny, though, because the caption coming out of bart’s mouth said “i’m bart simpson, who the hell are you?”, and when he got in trouble, his mom put grey sparkle paint over ‘hell’ and wrote in white coloring ‘world’. if you ask me, that takes away from the hilarity of the t-shirt. i could see liesel on the other side of the room and my heart skipped a beat. i had yet to profess my undying love for her, but i knew it was meant to be. what grade 3 kid doesn’t? i went to hang up my coat, and as i did, i could hear everyone laughing at me. i turned around to see people pointing at me and laughing their heads off. unsure what to think, i continued to put my stuff away and as i bent over to take off my outdoor shoes, i realized what was happening. i was wearing short shorts. i don’t mean just gym shorts. but short shorts like you see those creepy speedwalkers wearing (sorry to any of my readers who are speedwalkers. no disrespect.) and not even gym shorts. jean cut-off shorts. who wears jean cut-offs? i guess lots of people in the 80’s, but seriously, it was bad. my thighs were exposed like the crack of a plumber. i tried to hide, but i was told to sit at my table. as i walked to troy and my table, the laughter was mixed with disgust. i realized i had pooped my short shorts. i even have to admit, it would have been pretty funny to see a kid do that, so i don’t blame the kids in my dream for laughing. pooping your short shorts. i couldn’t look up because i knew liesel would be staring. i knew my shot at true love was over. my entire life was ruined.

i awoke in a cold sweat. actually, i don’t really remember if i did or not. but i must have, because that was awful. i distinctly remember going to school for the rest of the school year and double checking my pants as i walked out the door to make sure i hadn’t accidentally put on short shorts.

i’m not really sure what the point of this story was. maybe it was ‘tmi’ as the teenage girls always say. i was a disturbed child, so i guess you can chalk it up to cleaning out my closet, just like eminem, who i hear also likes short shorts. i guess i shared it with you all for inspiration. i mean, isn’t that really all of our biggest fear? showing up for school in pooed short shorts? i am happy to be a symbol of strength for you all. know that i got through it, and you will to…someday.


the LA KINGS have never won a stanley cup
March 28, 2009, 4:43 pm
Filed under: Stuff | Tags: , , , ,

in grade 6, the moment of truth had arrived.

i don’t remember his last name, but it was probably something stupid, cause he was a total jerk. troy was telling everyone that the LA Kings had won the stanley cup before. he was spreading this news around whitmore elementary quicker than girls have heart attacks at ricky martin concerts (10 years ago, he’s not so dreamy today), but it was all a bunch of lies (kind of like the fact that ricky martin has talent). 

i was the sole possessor of truth. nobody would confront troy and his empire of lies (mostly because we were all elementary kids and half of us didn’t know who the LA Kings were). the reason i knew was because my dad had told me. i didn’t care about hockey. the internet was hardly off the ground so i couldn’t google it. i trusted my dad’s word. so we had a showdown. after school, i had decided to confront him. my heart was racing. the sweat was dripping. my nipples were chaffing. it all came down to this. the moment of truth, where i would emerge the victor. 

“hey troy, the LA Kings have never won the stanley cup, my dad said so!” i said defiantly.

he responded with a punch to my mouth. he followed it up with a kick to my chest. i believe that is called ‘check and mate.’ it didn’t hurt as much physically as it did emotionally. many standing around pointed and laughed. no one came to my rescue. no one defended the rightness of my claim. it was just me, being laughed at. i didn’t know how to fight, so i responded with a whimper and ran home (that’ll learn him!). even though my dad was right (he was, i just googled it. thank heavens for the internets!),  nobody cared.

my plan to spread the good news of the lack of success by the LA Kings had failed. but i will not give up. i am still fighting for my rights today. my right to proclaim the truth. i think it’s called the first amendment or something…

the LA Kings have never won a stanley cup.

i thought about getting spiritual and applying this story to the idea of trusting your heavenly father even in the face of persecution, but…that would be dumb. you should do that, trust God in the midst of persecution. but this story is stupid, so i won’t bother with that lesson today.