June 17, 2009, 6:44 am
Filed under: Stuff | Tags: , ,

“WHERE THE H**L IS MY AIRPLANE!?” i yelled at no one in particular.

the problem with yelling this when your 6 years old is that you are never alone. and so inevitably my mother heard. i was getting ready to go to school , and i needed my toy airplane for show and tell. i couldn’t find it. and it was that important. last time i went, i had taken my toy truck mom had gotten at a garage sale, and all the kids made fun of it. this was life and death. and somewhere along the road i learned that swearing is a great way to release that pent up frustration. it really works. you should try it sometime. just kidding. but seriously…

that was the first time i remember swearing. i may have done it before. but i didn’t remember until this point. and my parents made sure i didn’t forget. they kept me home from school. they washed out my mouth with soap. my parents are awful. seriously. my mom just fools you. her ridiculous ability to be kind and make the most amazing cinnamon buns are all a ruse. she is secretly terrible. and her cinnamon buns are really poisonous.

but it makes sense. i mean, i teach makena how to call people poo heads. or stinky butt is another of my personal favorite makena terms. but i’m sure there will come a time when she crosses the line and i must teach her that she can’t say those types of things. most of you probably think that already is crossing the line. sorry about that. not really, though, cause it’s hilarious. 

i’ve always had problems with holding my tongue in this regard. in grade 4, we were playing soccer and i was in net. curtis kaleta shot what i was sure went over the post, which was only a dirty old sweater. so it’s fair to say that the answer was unclear. he disagreed. i told him if he though it was a goal, that he was a…insert a couple choice words at this point. i got high fives a plenty from my teammates. it was cool to swear. in grade 7, we were in our junior high bible study. a guy i looked up to then, and also do now, was our teacher. we’ll call him tim m. no, that’s too obvious. maybe t. mcmillan would be better. without even realizing it, i dropped and f-bomb in the middle of one of my responses to a question. in bible study… there was also my grade 10 year, in which i thought it would be a larf to give the camera the finger during our class photo. when the pictures came back, the call immediately came for me to go to the principals office. they showed me the picture and asked what i was thinking. you know that face you make when you give someone the finger? you bite your lip a little, and scrunch up your face in an angry way. yeah…i even had that look. somehow i managed to convince them it was an accident.

“i swear i didn’t mean to. i was just trying to put my hands in my pockets, and my middle finger got stuck on the outside.” 

you already know the story of t-bone and b-rock. so i won’t repeat that one again. in grade 12, i was a dorm assistant, which meant i was in charge of keeping the law amongst other students. or at least i was until someone saw an email i had sent a friend. for some reason, i had thought it a brilliant idea to have the first sentence be as many swear words strung together in a row as i could possibly think of. i guess they don’t like that in a christian school. as the donald would say, “Your Fired.” i think most christian schools function by wwtdd. what would the donald do.

i work with kids all the time. and some of the words i hear come out of their mouths are appalling. shocking. vulgar…and identical to the things i used to say on a daily basis. and whenever i find myself judging them, i remember the word i just let slip as i got frustrated hearing them say their word. and to sum it all up, i am a hypocrite. i don’t know why cusswords are so easy to let slip. someone once told me i just needed discipline. and i’m sure that’s true. just make it a habit to control your language. the problem is i suck at discipline. whether it’s that last donut or buying the new backstreet boys album even when i know it will never measure up to ‘backstreet’s back’, i have trouble with self-control. swearing has always been one of the most difficult things for me to control. so i’m working on it, and i don’t swear very often. every time i do, melissa runs over my foot with the car. no word of a lie. she is a harsh disciplinarian. she even makes me run around the block afterwards. 

i just realized i slandered my mother and my wife in one blog. now i’m really…going to get in trouble. you see, the soap and broken feet have paid off.

me and this guy would have gotten along.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

nice reference to the simpsons.
i know someone who also gets into trouble when they let one “slip”.
they don’t like getting into trouble for it either.
tsk tsk.

Comment by Chelsey

who? eva?

Comment by xbtotherockx

i remember probably my first 4 swears. but i’ll tell you about those another time.
i still swear lots. it makes me feel more like a man.
good times.

Comment by Nic

Ok, that’s it, no more cinnamon buns for you Blair!

Comment by Mom

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