appendix’s are for wuss’s
April 11, 2009, 4:58 am
Filed under: Stuff | Tags: , ,

i’ve only had one surgery, and it was to have my appendix removed. surgery is an intimidating thing at any point in your life, let alone when you are in grade 5. but i survived the surgery, as well as the embarrassment that came with nurses seeing me naked. i felt so exposed…one thing i appreciated about the surgeon was that he finished. that might sound obvious, but i was thinking about it today, and man, i would have been angry if he had quit halfway through to go get a meatball sub. just left me on the table, with my appendix hanging out for the whole world to see. the reason i was thinking this is because i’m the kind of guy who doesn’t always finish what he starts. i suck at it actually. 

our house is an ancient wreck. the owner before did a number and often resorted to cheap cover up jobs rather than fixing things the right way. it has slowly come together over the years, but i had this inkling today. we’ve been talking about replacing our deck for years, and so i decided to pull up a couple boards to see what was underneath. the boards are all rotting out, so it needed to be done. i had no real intention of finishing, or even starting for that matter. i just wanted to take a peak to see how hard it was going to be. it turns out that the previous owner had also had a rotting deck when he lived there…so he decided to just screw another layer of wood over top of the old rotting wood. so i pulled up board after board after board. they came up easily enough. i would take off enough of the top layer to get to the point where i could start taking off the boards underneath and start that layer. i felt this sudden rush of motivation, as if my life depended on finishing it in that moment. so i pulled the boards away and found a treasure trove of trash underneath. one might think our house was built on top of an old dump. pilsner cans that go back to the early 1600’s, or at least the 70’s. old candy wrappers, random bits of trash, and even a mini stick from the credit union. i half convinced myself i would find a dead body underneath. i’m not sure if it was exhaustion setting in or the discovery of the trash, but suddenly the inspiration left me. i had half torn apart my deck. i’m not really sure what i was thinking. it’s not like i had boards to replace what i was removing. so even if i finished tearing it apart, i wasn’t about to follow through on going to buy supplies and finish it that day. and so i stopped. i went inside, had a drink, and watched some television. my dog goes outside now and just sort of stares at this gaping hole with 20 year old trash inside of it. i see him shaking his head once in awhile, as if he’s disappointed in me. 

i have trouble finishing the things i start. not just decks. but everything. it’s hard to follow through because it takes dedication. i do it all the time. i make new friends and then when things get a little hard to deal with, i just sort of drift into the abyss. i do it to my wife sometimes too. the only difference is that she slaps me and tells me to pay attention. she’s one of the few that makes me finish the things i start. mostly just the dishes part. i’m not sure why i’m like this. to see a finished product is so satisfying. the few times i do finish something, i am so proud and excited. but how do you finish relationships? it’s a bad thing when a relationship is finished. i think i keep people at a distance when they get too close because to finish what i start in a relationship means being fully open and available, and that takes too much effort. the truth is, it doesn’t really matter if i finish the deck right away or not, although it’s uglier than it would be if mick jagger had kids with stephen tyler. brutal to the max. but it’s a theme in my life, not finishing what i start. i want to finish what i start. i want to see relationships through. i want to be someone who finishes strong rather than starts on a whim and ends with a sputter.

what i’m really trying to say is…does anyone want to finish my deck?


3 Comments so far
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i won’t help you with your deck.
but i will say that your blogs always seem to resonate very strongly with me. and at this point in my life, i probably needed to read these words.
i’ve got all these big dreams all the time but i can’t seem to accomplish the old ones before starting the new ones…and in the process i continue to put good people in my life on the back burner.
thanks for reminding me that it’s important to finish what you start.

Comment by jessie

thanks jessie! i’m not sure what it is that makes me that way. i guess it’s the fear of failing for me. if i don’t finish i can’t fail. although, that is faulty logic because you do fail when you don’t finish what you start. but i’ll just tell myself that anyway…

Comment by xbtotherockx

classic blair-esque ending.

Comment by chelsey

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